The Meaning of Nostalgia

I think you see the world in a completely different light when you travel around, observe, adapt, and come back to the place you've lived in for 21 years of your life. And I don't mean bad-different. I mean appreciative-different.

How I love the traffic jams, the tinted white of peeling walls, the hint of little bustling activities everywhere, casual talk in a 'lah' and 'lor' slang I thought was grammatically right all my life, the slacked back attitude you can feel in the air when there's a public holiday..

How I miss events that reoccur in my mind when I see the little trinkets placed around my bedroom; memories gathered from young, kept to remind. How I miss seeing the little details in my mum's daily routine, like the sound of her feet shuffling down the stairs at a certain time in the morning, or the loud sound of pots, pans, and oil from her cooking.

Friends, family, and memories with them are very important elements that give rise to culture. And so I don't believe that going somewhere that is a 'model-country' or 'developed-country' should have a scorecard on it with all the right ticks. Being exposed is important, learning new things are important, but the values and environment you were brought up in is most important.

Culture and identity, is something so rich and we're thankful to have that. Now I've been avoiding bringing this up because I wanted to reflect on my own feelings of nostalgia. But being someone who's studied abroad in Melbourne, coming back to Malaysia has made me realise how diverse, cultural, and full of potential we are. I disagree when someone tells me that Melbourne multicultural too. We need to understand what is culture, and I think that it is something embedded in ourselves, giving rise to so many different events and habits in life. It is not merely a mix of different people from different countries living in the same place.

Home can never be different. The little things in the place that you belong to will always be your home, and your identity. I miss and love my Malaysia. I choose to see her for her good differences.

Notes on How to Improve Self.

1. Stop being too nice for my own good. Be cautious and don't get cheated !
2. Stop expecting so much out of myself. I'm not perfect. Embrace it.
3. Be more aware of surroundings. I know I can't multitask and I'm exceptionally unaware of things. So always take a step back, and sort things out, one by one. It. will. get. done. eventually.
4. Stop being extremely sensitive and sentimental about everything. Being a girl doesn't mean I can't be strong and realistic.
5. Be happy with the things I do on my own. Don't always depend on others to put a tick on 'Chui Nee's happiness'.

6. Paint. more. :)

Crisp Croiss

" What if ? ", is a question that can be applied anywhere, really. Yes, even a croissant.

When Someone Leaves You

Maybe I didn't love you quite as often as I could have,
And maybe I didn't treat you quite as good as I should have.

Little things I should have said and done,
I just never took the time.

But you were always on my mind,
You were always on my mind.



Never have I listened to this song in this light.

Someone dear passed on not too long ago to cancer. A relative that has come over to make ends meet for his family, a relative I never got the chance to spend much time with apart from Chinese New Year celebrations back home when I was way younger, a relative I wished I had the chance to know better.

It was more difficult than I thought to accept the news, especially at this age where I guess I ponder over so many 'what if's' in life. I was overwhelmed by how one person's living means so much to everyone around him. I wonder how would close friends and family get by getting used to that person not being there anymore. I am angry that people have to leave this world at an age that shouldn't be one to leave just yet.

So cherish your loved ones (and I take that quote more seriously now). Mend bad relationships and savour good ones, and just never be afraid to show them you care. Because you really never know how much time is there left to do that.

Traditional Lights

Cross a narrow bridge and the vast paddy fields on your right, cycle your way through town for twenty minutes and you will find yourself in a completely different place. A place overwhelmed with colourful and beautiful traditional lanterns that flicker with the wind. These hues of yellow, blue, red and green are mirrored by their reflections on the waters, bringing Hoi An to a state of liveliness I wanted to just dance in.

A little stage, like a box decorated with its own distinctive diamond shaped lanterns emitted sounds from traditional instruments and a high-pitched opera duet that I couldn't comprehend but couldn't help smiling to because it sounded like a romantic story.

Wouldn't it be nice to go back in time in this place, where everyone wore bao dai's finely crafted by the locals themselves, coupled with triangular bamboo hats. Where everyone walked or cycled to the many little stalls around to get pho's, tau fu fah's, pancakes and rice papers, and black sesame soup. Where everyone worked so simply to earn a simple living, stopping halfway sometimes to bask in the lovely culture the place had to offer.

Well, Hoi An, Vietnam is just that. :)

Jumble

My thoughts are in a jumble. Mixed feelings of disappointment, frustration, and agitation. Best part about this is, I don't know why.

I guess people have moments when they feel down for no reason, or for a subconscious accumulation of reasons. Can I please return to becoming that girl who doesn't care about anything in the world, apart from being happy and amused at every little spark life has to offer?

I often wonder why do I like to hide behind the naive hopeful mind of a child, than face harsh reality that life is just ugly. Why do I persist in believing that everything's nice and sweet, and people are not as evil as I think they are deep inside, and happy endings are completely normal. Soon, I know that I will be disappointed, let down by this cover I put up.

I know this is all very deep and it doesn't make sense, but its' really hard to put my thoughts now into understandable words or situations. I just want to have an outlet for these jumbled thoughts I am now having. Emotional and ridiculous as they may be.. well, its my blog.

That Dirt Road

Its been awhile. Looking at my previous blog made me cringe at how 'immature'  I was. Hence the new blog. I've decided. This will be the place where only things that matter are filtered through. More life-changing thoughts, rather than statement of past events. Funny how it is only now that I fully realise why I started writing a blog in the first place; to be inquisitive, to express, to find out more about the meaning of my life (as chessy as that sounds). Here, I will write for myself.


One's journey in life is never ending, never smooth, never what you would wish it to be. I started pondering about this when I found this image today. Amongst all the other beautiful forest pictures of tall trees and filtered sun rays, I still liked this picture best. Because it told a story I could relate to now.

How I dreamed so high, wishing to strive for the passion I have for creating beautiful spaces in a crowd that thought alike. Only to find out that reality is a much harder kick in the face. The typical working environment is just a repetitive cycle of following orders, drawing lines exactly how people tell you to, and complying to difficult people. Where did all the excitement, encouragement, and creative juice that underlay the very foundation of this field go to?

I swore to myself that I will find someplace that appreciated all these little things. I believe there will be places like that, as sparse as they may be. And I'm confident that I will find this place, sooner or later.

Its a tough road, and the future I want right now seems so untangible. But I'm going to do my best, and this is a promise I need to keep to myself to be truly happy with what I'm doing.